If You Touch Me Again I Will Rip Your God Damn Wings Off

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Frank Cross: It's Christmas Eve! Information technology'due south... it's the one nighttime of the year when we all deed a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we... nosotros cheer a fiddling more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be. It's a... miracle. It's really a sort of a miracle. Because information technology happens every Christmas Eve. And if you waste that miracle, you're gonna burn for it, I know what I am talking most. You accept to do something. You have to take a chance. You do have to go involved. There are people that are having... having trouble making their miracle happen. In that location are people that don't accept plenty to eat, or people that are cold. You can become out and say hello to these people. You tin can take an one-time coating out of the closet and say "Here!", you can make them a sandwich and say "Oh, by the fashion, here!" I... I go it at present! And if you... if you give, then it can happen, then the miracle can happen to you! Information technology's non but the poor and the hungry, it'due south everybody'south who'due south gotta have this miracle! And it can happen tonight for all of you! If you believe in this spirit thing, the phenomenon will happen and then you'll want it to happen again tomorrow. You won't exist one of these bastards who says "Christmas is once a year and it's a fraud", it's NOT! It can happen every day, you lot've just got to want that feeling. And if you like it and you lot want it, y'all'll get greedy for information technology! You'll want it every day of your life and it tin happen to you! I believe in information technology at present! I believe information technology'due south going to happen to me now! I'thousand ready for it! And information technology's not bad. It's a practiced feeling, it's really ameliorate than I've felt in a long time. I, I, I'yard ready. Take a Merry Christmas, everybody.

[Calvin steps forward]

Frank Cross: Did I forget something, big man?

Calvin Cooley: [nods, speaks his commencement words in v years] God bless usa, anybody.

Frank Cantankerous: Information technology's Christmas Eve! It'southward... it's the ane nighttime of the yr when we all act a little nicer, we... we... we grin a trivial easier, we... w-w-nosotros... we... we cheer a petty more. For a couple of hours out of the whole yr, we are the people that we ever hoped we would exist!

Lew Hayward: I was a helm of manufacture; feared by men, adored by women.

Frank Cross: Adored! Come on, allow's exist honest, Lew. You *paid* for the women!

Frank Cantankerous: I never liked a girl well enough to give her twelve sharp knives.

Daughter: Mom, when are nosotros gonna get a existent Christmas tree?

Grace: When they're free!

Herman: Boy, that Dick sure knows how to drink, huh?

Frank Cross: Why do you go on calling me "Dick"?

Herman: I'grand lamentable, Mr. Burton, I guess we don't know you well plenty yet to phone call yous Dick.

Frank Cross: Practise you think I'm way off base of operations hither?

Elliot: Yes. You're, well, you're a tad off base, sir. That thing looked similar The Manson Family Christmas Special!

Frank Cantankerous: I'thou alive! Yes! I'yard *alive*!

Elliot: [aims a shotgun at Frank] Not for long!

Frank Cantankerous: [looking effectually at battered surroundings] Well, this is overnice. Where are nosotros, Trump Tower?

[Frank is confronted by the ghost of his old boss]

Frank Cross: No, you are a hallucination brought on by booze... Russian vodka poisoned past Chernobyl!

[Props man tries to attach antlers to a mouse]

Props man: I tin can't become the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, just it don't work.

Frank Cross: Did you effort staples?

Frank Cross: I get information technology. You're taking me back in time to bear witness me my mother and begetter, and I'thousand supposed to go all goosey and blubbery. Well, forget information technology, pal, you got the wrong guy!

Ghost of Christmas Past: That'due south exactly what Attila the Hun said. But when he saw his mother... Niagara Falls!

Elliot: Hello, IBC program room.

Preston: This is Rhinelander. Who'south the idiot that put that nut on the air?

Elliot: Oh, uh, Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir, but uh... he tin can't talk to you right now because he'south sorta tied upward. Uh-huh. Oh, in fact, he simply said that you were a flatulating butthead?

Preston: A butthead?

Elliot: He said he never felt that mode well-nigh a man before, but you really looked skillful in a suit.

Scrooge Promo Announcer: Seven o'clock. Psychos seize Santa's workshop and only Lee Majors can stop them.

Santa Claus: It's Lee Majors! The Six Meg Dollar Man!

Lee Majors: Santa, is there a dorsum way outta this identify?

Santa Claus: Of class at that place is Lee, but this is one Santa who's going out the front end door.

Lee Majors: Look, it don't matter a loma of beans what happens to me but the globe couldn't afford it if anything happened to y'all. Now stay put.

Santa Claus: Oh that's very nice of you, Lee. And Lee... You've been a existent good boy this year!

Mrs. Claus: Yes yous sure have!

[later on pouring a bucket of water on a waiter he thought was on burn down]

Frank Cross: I'chiliad sad. You lot know I thought y'all were Richard Pryor!

Ghost of Christmas By: Yous left Claire for Frisbee the domestic dog? Frank, let me sum this up for y'all: y'all don't know who you are, y'all don't know what you want, and you don't know what the hell is going on!

Frank Cross: I've made a few mistakes. I gotta alive with that. But I do know who I am, I know what I desire, and I know what's going on!

Ghost of Christmas Past: [the Ghost has disappeared into a monitor, and whistles to become his attending] Hey, Frank! Up here!

Frank Cross: What's going on?

Ghost of Christmas Past: How should I know? I'yard simply the ghost! So long, sucker!

Claire Phillips: That'due south the one good thing about regret: it's never likewise belatedly. You tin always alter tomorrow if y'all desire to.

Frank Cross: Claire, the whole world. Whole globe, Claire.

Frank Cantankerous: Would you *please*, for the love of *god*, and your own body!, stop the damn hammering?

Frank Cross: I am the youngest president in the history of television for a reason: I know the people.

Elliot: Well, uh... granted but the people already wanna spotter the testify.

Frank Cross: [a pause; shouting] That isn't adept enough! They have got to be so scared to miss it! And so terrified!

[Quieter tone]

Frank Cross: At present if I were in accuse, and I am.

[laughs. IBC Executive laughs along with him simply Frank looks at him and he shuts up]

Frank Cross: Possibly I tin assist you. Hither'south the kind of affair I would have done. Grace, cue it upwardly.

[Frank stands in front of the screens. Thunder sounds and ominous music commencement playing]

Scrooge Promo Announcer: Acid rain.

[Images and sounds of people screaming; Frank makes a screaming confront]

Scrooge Promo Announcer: Drug addictions.

[Shows a guy groaning and shooting up on heroin. Scene changes to a jet taking off]

Scrooge Promo Announcer: International terrorism.

[Jet blows up in midair. Scene changes to a guy pulling a shotgun out of a car]

Scrooge Promo Journalist: Expressway killers.

[Guy with shotgun fires]

Scrooge Promo Announcer: Now more than always...

Frank Cantankerous: [Speaking along with announcer] Information technology is important to recall the truthful pregnant of Christmas.

Scrooge Promo Announcer: Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal archetype Scrooge. Your life...

Frank Cantankerous: [Speaking along with journalist] ... might just depend on it.

[Promo holds on the prototype of a nuclear explosion. Frank takes a sip of coffee and looks at the executives]

Frank Cantankerous: Not bad, huh?

Frank Cross: There are people who are having trouble making their miracle happen; there are people who don't have enough to swallow, there are people who are common cold, you lot can leave and say hi to these people. You tin can take an old coating out of the closet and go to them and say 'Here!', yous can make them a sandwich and say 'oh past the way, hither!'

[terminal lines]

James Cross: My brother, the rex of Christmas!

Earl Cross: All solar day long, I listen to people give me excuses why they tin't work... 'My dorsum hurts,' 'my legs ache,' 'I'1000 but four!' The sooner he learns life isn't handed to him on a silver platter, the improve!

[Elliot points a shotgun right in Frank's face]

Elliot: Hello, wabbit!

Frank Cantankerous: Could you give me a head commencement?

Elliot: Sure. One thousand ane, ane thousand two, grand three!

[he fires]

Lew Hayward: I don't mind y'all shooting at me, Frank, simply have information technology easy on the Bacardi!

Frank Cantankerous: It's not too tardily on Christmas Eve to take fun, you can call an old college roommate, phone call, you know an old ground forces buddy, telephone call your personal banker. HEY! I don't hear whatsoever partying in that berth, Elliot!

Elliot: Bang-up!

[fires shotgun, silent interruption downwardly below on the fix]

Elliot: Yous heard him, party!

Frank Cross: Now why wasn't I invited?

Elliot: Now that was just an innocent window and you lot saw what I did to that! Ugh! Y'all don't know who you're dealing with!

Frank Cross: It's a night, you gotta party hardy Marty!

Earl Cross: Here Francis, I've got something for you lot. Merry Christmas!

Frankie Cross: A choo-choo railroad train?

Earl Cross: No, information technology's 5 pounds of veal.

Frankie Cross: Just Daddy I asked Santa for a choo-choo.

Earl Cantankerous: Then go out and get a job and buy a choo-choo.

Frank Cross: Hey. Are you glad to run into me, or is this a shotgun in your pocket?

[toss gun abroad; it fires]

Frank Cross: All right, you've heard it. How'south this for a deal? I hire you dorsum, pay you lot twice your original salary, and offer you a vice president position. Would you like my office?

Elliot: No, I don't like your office.

Frank Cross: That's SO Yous!

Elliot: What'south the catch?

Frank Cross: The catch...

[sniffs]

Frank Cross: ...is that you need to shower, niggling man. You lot are RIPE! Whoo!

Frank Cantankerous: The Jews taught me this great word: Schmuck. I was a schmuck, and at present I'm not a schmuck!

James Cross: You know what they say virtually people who care for other people bad on the way up?

Frank Cross: Aye, you get to treat 'em bad on the mode dorsum downwards too. It's nifty, you get two chances to rough 'em up.

[later on Frank has been visibly touched past seeing his female parent in 1955]

Ghost of Christmas Past: Niagara Falls, "Frankie Angel".

Frank Cantankerous: [wiping his eyes, pretending he hasn't been crying] I was touched by a gift. A 4-yr-old kid receives what at today's prices is a $xl or $50 piece of milk-fed veal.

Ghost of Christmas Past: Frank, yous still spent the side by side 15 years on your ass watching TV.

Frank Cross: [scoffs] I remember if yous check the records, I did some stuff. I played baseball. One year, I hit the domicile-run that won the big game.

Ghost of Christmas Past: That was the kid on "The Courtship of Eddie's Father"!

Frank Cross: [undeterred] In that location was another time, though.

Frank Cantankerous: I was on a hill covered with flowers and there was a beautiful girl with pigtails...

Ghost of Christmas By: Yous ARE SO PATHETIC! YOU ARE Then PATHETIC! That was "The Little House on the Prairie"!

Frank Cantankerous: [vanquish] Was it the "Homecoming" episode--?

Ghost of Christmas By: Aye, it was the "Homecoming" episode! Face it, Frank. Garden snails got more out of life than you!

Frank Cantankerous: You've got a promo featuring America'southward favorite old fart reading a book in front of a fireplace! Now I have to kill all of you!

Frank Cross: [to the abstract/impressionist portrait on the wall] Mother... help me.

Frank Cross: Nosotros're gonna need champagne for 250 people, and send the stuff that yous send to me. Don't send the stuff that I send to other people.

[In the Ghost of Christmas Future funeral scene, nosotros see Frank, hysterically terrified, banging within around the coffin, trying to escape and make things correct for himself before he is doomed for cremation. Information technology is then that, in the side by side scene, the lift doors open up]

Frank Cantankerous: [Screaming; banging on the elevator doors equally they open] I wanna live!

[Frank is back at the IBC Television Network headquarters office floor, revealing that his doomed future has all been a hallucination]

Frank Cross: [Screams] I'K ALIVE!

[Hallelujah Chorus plays]

Frank Cantankerous: [relieved] Holy shit, what a break! I'yard at work!

[Glances at the network's sun image as Eliot holds a shotgun at Frank]

Frank Cross: Oh, God, it's the dominicus! I never thought I'd come across the sun over again. I'm alive!

Elliot: [enraged] Not for long!

Frank Cantankerous: [cheerful] Milkman! Ha!

[Frank hugs and kisses Eliot]

Frank Cantankerous: I'm the Woodstock, baby! I'm gonna start with you.

[kisses Eliot again, this time on the lips]

Frank Cross: Yous're ane of my favorites. Come here! I'one thousand alive and and then are you!

[still excited and total of joy]

Frank Cross: Hey! Are y'all glad to encounter me, or is this a shotgun in your pocket?

[Frank takes the shotgun, then drops it, causing it to fire a shot]

Frank Cantankerous: Okay, you've heard it. Come on!

[shoves Eliot to the elevators]

Frank Cantankerous: Keen!

Elliot: [frightened] Don't hurt me!

Frank Cantankerous: [holds out his right hand for a depression five] Real alive! Pinkish slide!

[Eliot slaps on it...]

Frank Cross: Coming back!

[so Frank slaps Eliot's manus...]

Frank Cross: Long sole!

[while Eliot slaps Frank'south shoe sole]

Frank Cross: Yous know this one?

[lifts Eliot'south shirt and blows a raspberry nuzzle into his bellybutton]

Frank Cross: That's my thing. I'thou gonna do this to everybody.

[blows a raspberry once again; Eliot laughs]

Frank Cantankerous: All right, here'southward the bargain.

[spins himself and Eliot effectually]

Frank Cross: I'll hire you back, twice your original salary, and make y'all my Vice-President in charge of Programming, and I'll requite an role up here. Would you lot like my office?

Elliot: No, I don't like your part.

Frank Cross: Ha, ha, ha!

[lets Eliot go]

Frank Cross: That's so you!

Elliot: What'due south the catch?

Frank Cross: The catch, is that you gotta have a shower, little man. Y'all are ripe! Whoa!

Elliot: [dislocated] In that location'due south a problem here. I was looking for a Francis Xavier Cantankerous.

Frank Cross: That's me! But the great affair is, it's not me! The Jews taught me this dandy word: Schmuck. I was a schmuck, and at present... I'm non a schmuck.

[grabs Eliot'southward cervix with his arm]

Frank Cross: Wait a minute. What time is information technology?

Elliot: Somebody store my picket.

Frank Cross: A quarter to! Nosotros didn't miss it! Ha, ha!

[playfully punches on Eliot's breast]

Frank Cross: We didn't miss it!

Elliot: Missed what?

Frank Cross: Christmas! Merry Christmas!

[throws Eliot into the lift]

Frank Cross: Wah-hoo! Are you alone in there? We're gonna accept some fun. You and I are gonna have some fun for once in this life, Loudermilk & Cross together.

[concluding lines after Frank Cross broke the fourth wall by encouraging the viewers to join the cast in singing "Put a Little Dear in Your Centre"]

James Cross: [to Wendie and his friends, excited] My blood brother, the King of Christmas!

[Eliot burst inside the control room with his shotgun, knocking Brice unconcious]

Censor Lady: [screams] AAH!

Elliot: [yells] Shut upwardly!

[holds the control room people hostage]

Elliot: Don't touch that dial and stay on him!

Lew Hayward: I was a captain of industry. Feared by men, adored by women.

Frank Cross: Adored... Let's be honest Lou, you paid for the women.

[Frank has taken his gun out of his desk and fired it at Lew which caused some bullets to go through him and hit a bottle of Bacardi]

Lew Hayward: I don't mind you striking me Frank but accept it easy on the Bacardi.

Preston Rhinelander: Frank, have you lot any idea how many cats there are in this state?

Frank Cross: No, I don't have those... no.

Preston Rhinelander: 20-seven 1000000. Do you lot know how many dogs?

Frank Cantankerous: In America?

Preston Rhinelander: Forty-eight one thousand thousand. We spend four billion dollars on petfood alone. Now I have hither a study from Hampstead Academy which shows u.s.a. that cats and dogs are beginning to watch tv set. Now if these scientists are right, nosotros should start programming correct now. Within 20 years they could go steady viewers.

Frank Cross: Progamming? For cats?

Preston Rhinelander: Walk with me, Frank.

Frank Cross: [Frank whispers to his secretarial assistant, Grace, as they get out the office] Telephone call the police force.

Preston Rhinelander: Now I'yard not proverb build a whole prove around animals. All I'grand suggesting is that we occasionally throw in a little pet appeal. Some birds, a squirrel...

Frank Cross: Mice.

Preston Rhinelander: ...mice! Exactly. You call up Kojak and the lollipops? What about a cop that dangles cord as his gimmick? Lots of quick random deportment. Frank, wasn't at that place a doormouse in Scrooge?

Frank Cross: No, but now that you say it... I always felt that it needed a doormouse.

Preston Rhinelander: Doormice. Better.

Frank Cross: Bingo.

Frank Cross: [Screams and accidentally hits Grace] Oh God! Oh God! Grace, go watch the prove! He's here for me! Come up on! Come up on! Give it to me!

[falls to knees]

Frank Cross: You lot think I'm afraid of you, the mean solar day I've had? I know what you came for. Come and go it, yous pussy.

Simulated Ghost of Christmas Future: Brice!

Brice Cummings: [Getting the Fake Ghost away from Frank, who'southward obviously been scared by him] Cease scaring Frank. Get this nutcake out.

Frank Cantankerous: Get me Standards and Practices, I want to see Reece.

Frank Cantankerous: I'm gonna give you a little advice, Claire... Scrape 'em off. Yous wanna relieve somebody? Relieve yourself!

Claire Phillips: Oh, well, that's a actually nice attitude on Christmas Eve!

Frank Cross: Bah, humbug.

Frank Cross: Would you please hold the goddamn hammering, now!

[Frank notices a moving picture of Santa and Mrs. Claus on the wall]

Frank Cantankerous: Grace, what in the hell is this?

Grace: Oh, information technology'southward a painting, one of my kids did. See, there's Santa Claus and there'south Mrs. Claus.

Frank Cross: Honey, how many fingers does Mrs. Santa Claus have hither?

Grace: Xi.

Frank Cross: Eleven. Right.

[rips it down]

Frank Cantankerous: Information technology's crap. Lose it. I don't want it on the wall.

[tosses it in the wastebasket]

Frank Cantankerous: You lot're staying hither with me. We're working late.

Grace: But I have to accept my son to the medico.

Frank Cross: GRACE! When I work late, Yous work tardily!

Grace: But I made the engagement two months ago!

Frank Cross: [Inconsiderately] I DON'T Care!

Frank Cantankerous: [grabbing Grace]

Frank Cross: We're indivisible. If I'1000 working tardily, you GOTTA work belatedly! If you can't work late, I can't piece of work late! If I can't work late, I CAN'T Piece of work Late!

[Telephone rings in the control room]

Conscience Lady: [picks upwards the receiver, but is snatched by Eliot] Ouch!

Elliot: Hello, um, Control Room. How tin I help yous?

Preston: This is Rhinelander. I wanna talk to the idiot who put that moron on the air

Elliot: Oh, um, Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir. But he tin can't talk to yous correct at present 'cause, uh, he's tied upward.

[Brice is tied and restrained to a chair]

Elliot: Uh-huh. Yes. In fact, he just said that yous were an flatulating butthead.

Preston: [shocked] A butthead?

Elliot: He said he never felt that way about a human before, merely he really liked y'all in a certain manner.

[Brice growls and mumbles to explicate the truth, merely to no avail; Preston, furious, so kicks i of his cats out of the mode]

[after the Ghost of Christmas Future shows him what happens to Calvin]

Frank Cross: This is a possible future, right? This is practice-able. I know the head of pediatrics at NYU. We'll get this kid out of here! I'm all over this!

[afterward the Ghost of Christmas Time to come shows him that Claire could go an even worse version of herself, quoting Frank in the process]

Frank Cross: That was a lousy thing to do.

Frank Cross: [pleading for his life to Elliot] Can't yous become back to me later on the holidays? I've had a bad day.

Elliot: YOU'VE "had a bad solar day"? Lemme tell you about my day! I got fired, my wife left me, she took our picayune baby daughter...

[aiming with gun, finds Frank]

Elliot: with her.

[fires gun]

Elliot: I can't recall much after that because... ever since then... I've been bullheaded, stinking

[loudly slurs]

Elliot: Boozer!

[fires gun again]

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096061/quotes/qt2304916

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